Guys, 5 Guys

I hope that the guys at Orem Food Blog won't get mad at me, but I ate at Five Guys and wanted to tell you the people all about it. Besides, I figure that Orem and Provo are basically the same city (except Orem has Walmart, so it's just a teeny bit classier).

Five Guys is located up the hill by the mall and the theater (now showing "The Saratov Approach" ... homeboy can't help but make a shout out to his biopic!). I went there with two of my associates from work: T-ravisaurus Rex (my boss) and Juancho Libre (my Venezuelan). Being an Orem native, Travis had been there prior to and was, therefore, the expert. Juanchito and I were the newbies. But, man, it went swell and I'll tell you why come.

Five Guys makes the classics and the classic only: burgers, fries, dogs, and grilled sandwiches. But it's the classics with a twist: you can put anything from their specially-selected toppings menu on your burger or dog without extra cost. That means you can have a burger with either some or all of the following: mayo, pickles, tomatoes, barbecue sauze, grilled mushrooms, onions, or hot sauce (just to name a FEW menu items). That's a dandy deal because there are those people that like their burgers plain and simple and those people (like me) who literally like all of the everything.

I ordered a burger and fries (kept things classysimple, just like the Five Guys menu) and warter (gotta keep that carbonated corn syrup out my system). I ordered a double cheeseburger with mayo, ketchup, mustard, lettuce, tomatoes, grilled mushrooms, bacon, and barbecue sauze. I got my fries Cajun style, which means they were covered with all sorts of seasoning stuffs. (I'm still not entirely sure what the definition of "Cajun" is, btw, if anyone cares to enlighten me.)

First, the burger: I haven't had a legitimately tasty home-style grilled burger since I moved away from home four years ago, but this thing was the exact equivalent. Lots of burger joints talk about being fresh, but Five Guys' tastes as fresh as an Idaho farm cow shot in front of a school bus of children. The patties literally taste like Dad just flipped them straight off the grill on the Fourth of July.

The toppings were just all as fresh as the patty (tomatoes nice and juicy, lettuce very crisp), but if I were to go back, I would do without the mustard and grilled mushrooms because 1) too many people like mustard so I hate it and 2) the mushrooms weren't cooked completely/didn't have enough butter (#PaulaDeenprobz) (#isthatCajun?). Also, I think I might try the jalapeno peppers next time.

Cajun fries

I have one thing to say about the Cajun fries: DON'T. They were way too salty/paprika-y/peppery/whatevertheheckelsewasonthem-y. I tried some of Travis's normal (not-Cajun) fries and they were acceptable. Even though they had been deep-fried, they tasted just as fresh as the burger. (In defense of the Cajun fries, though, since Five Guys is so fresh and tailored, Travis said that it depends on the day and who makes them how seasoned they are, so maybe I just got them on a bad day).

Dern! Five Guys be so fresh, they even tell you from whence the French-fried potatoes come!

Five Guys was great and I for sure need to go back someday. They got my barbecue, they got good burgers, and their fries taste like actual potatoes, not just deep-fried pieces of mush. If I were to suggest one thing to them: AVOCADOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. That would be a dream come true. But does barbecue sauze and avocado mix? Someone tell me plz.

Magelby's vs. Kneaders: French Toast Wars

I hate to get controversial, butt guys I had to answer the question all of Provo's been asking for years: Which is better: Magleby's or Kneaders French toast?

Both Magleby's and Kneaders are similar: bakeries, both in Provo, make delicious food, I've eaten there, my Mom's never been there, I've had dates at both places, they're managed by humans, and (the big one) they both have all-you-can-eat French toast breakfast deals.

But which French toast is the best? Where should you hanker your hankering for French toast?

To spare you the headache (stomachache) of trying to figure it out yourself, Monsieur Gordy decided to do some investigating of himself to get the answers for you the people.

In order to adequately explain why which is wonderfulllest, I will examine several things to explain the deliciousness level of each French toast.

Kneaders

Magleby's

Thing #1: Bread

Kneaders: Made out of something called "chunky brad." I don't know how to describe it, but it's chunky and cinnamony and super delicious. The texture is light but full, kind of like eating a pillow. It pulls apart real easy in your mouth. It's kind of like eating a cinnamon roll, but not as sweet. And did I mention that these things is THICK! The most I've ever eaten is four slices. That's saying something, folks.

Magleby's: Made out of some kind of bread, probably white bread. There's nothing super fancy about. It's not pillowy but it is easy to chew. The egg is tasteable (a little too tasteable for my taste buds). (Btw: Just for future reference, should I spell it "tastable" or "tasteable"? Comment below to let me know what you think.)

Thing #2: Syrup

Kneaders: Good. So good. Kneaders gives you a little shot of caramel syrup to spread over your French toast every time you go up for a refill. I shouldn't love it as much as I do, but I just can't get enough of this syrup. It's warm and thick, but not too thick or obnoxiously sweet like store-bought syrups. I live for it, man.

Magleby's: Lezbeonist: I don't like me buttermilk syrup very much. The first time I had it was on my mission. Initially, I liked it because it was kind of a novelty and I thought it was a clever alternative to maple (which is unavailable in Russia ... God bless America and the 51st State!). After a while, though, I realized it was just melted butter mizzed with sugar and buttermilk, so it went from "novelty" to "drinking butter gives me the squirts." Anyways, Magelby’s employs the method of using buttermilk syrup on its French toast. It's not bad, but it's WAY runny and doesn't even taste good.

Thing #3: Fruity Freshness

Kneaders: With your first plate of French toast, Kneader's gives you a couple sliced strawberries on the side. They're fresh and juicy, sir. And they taste great when they're covered in caramel syrup.

Magleby's: So here's where I tell all the truth, y'all: I've had the all-you-can-eat French toast at Kneaders, but I've only ever had the French toast platter at Magleby's. As such, I don't know if you get the same toppings with the all-you-can-eat deal or if it's different if you order just get the platter. Anyway, the platter comes topped with caramelized strawberries and bananas. Sounds good, right? But it isn't too good. It just tastes like old strawberries and old bananas. Not nearly as fresh and delicious as Kneaders.

The Winner!!

Kneaders! Sorry, Magelby's, but your bread is too thin and your syrup so runny, it just makes everything soggy and less-than-saintly. On the other hand, the combo of Kneader's pillowy "chunky brad" with it's perfectly sweet caramel syrup and fresh strawberries make me want to eat a million slices of French toast even if my stomach maxes out at four. If you are missing anything in your life, a couple plates of this French toast will fill whatever void you might have.

What other Provo restaurants are similar but different? Comment and let me know which restaurants you think should go head-to-head next!